if you build it…

Right now in my apartment I have:

- Chocolate cake with marshmallow frosting

- Vanilla cupcakes with chocolate buttercream frosting

- Dark Chocolate chunk cookies

- Mexican wedding cookies

- Hot chocolate

- Grey’s Anatomy reruns

This place is like a safe house for women with PMS.  I should post ads on Craigslist offering to take them off people’s hands.

true family value

I came across this blog the other day, and for the past week have been completely enthralled by tales of MetroDad and his kid, Peanut. This is the magic of blogging…not only is a good writer as entertaining as any novelist, they usually use more bad words and potty humor as well. Not to mention being based on real-life events, which always makes a story better.

Most amusingly, this guy has mastered the juxtaposition of complete adoration for his kid with reasonable ridicule for all the dumb-ass stuff kids do. I mean, really, what is the point of having a kid if you can’t laugh at the ridiculous things they say/do/eat? It’s like cable, but free and 3D. Sometimes I’m not sure if I love a parent who can talk smack about their kid or just that I really hate one who thinks their kid is the smartest thing ever. Unless your kid’s name is Dougie or Encyclopedia – probably not that smart. So they know the alphabet. Big deal! I do too! How many languages can they speak?

I do find children adorable in small quantities and want to collect my own one day, but mostly I aspire to be a parent who simultaneously adores and ridicules their child. I believe those two emotions can co-exist; actually, I feel that way about most people in my life. hahaha. Just kidding. No, not really.

Thinking about the value family can add to your life also reminds me of a truly excellent article in this week’s Economist. Any time we’re using Adam Smith to talk someone into making the leap must be good times. And since some people like to point out that getting married offers no real tax-relief unless you have children, I would like to point out other economic gains to be had from tying the noose knot. Not only does marriage provide economies of scale (twenty-somethings in urban areas aren’t sharing studios with three college buddies just because they like them, right?), but it also allows for division of labor! And therefore, specialization of tasks! It’s so obvious. One person can color-code the closet while the other separates the produce drawer by density. Oh wait, those would both be me, actually.

So embrace the inevitable conformation to societal norms and parental pressure. Marriage and children will improve your life. Plus, you know, you’ll love them and all that. Or if not, at least it will give you something to blog about.

my little secret

Due to indiscretion on the part of others (actually, just one, who will remain anonymous), and my current reading of The Lost Art of Keeping Secrets,  I’ve been thinking about my own dirty little secrets lately.  Mostly, I prefer to think about those of others.  And by think about, I mean, elaborate on and share via blogging, email-forwarding, and good old-fashioned gossip.  Which is why I picked up this book – I thought it would be like Dr. Phil, but it really just makes me wish I had better secrets to delight over.

Anyways, in exchange for recently accumulated secrets, I was looking for some of my own to share.  But I could only think of one, which is not really scandelous, but brings me great guilt.

I am a closet long-range hypochondriac.  I have elements of the typical irrational fears, like thinking headaches are meningitis, cramps signs of ulcers or a bleeding stomach, and obsessive handwashing.  And yes, while my dislike of hugging and other contact with people is partly because I find it a weird, unnatural, and artificial expression of friendship, it is also partly because I just think other people are dirtier and germier than me.

In addition to these fears, I worry about various cancers, heart disease, adult on-set type II diabetes, and a host of other issues.  I worry about heart attacks until I remember that I have freakishly low blood pressure and then I start thinking about hypothyroidism. And it is this paranoia, rather than any desire to lose weight or true enjoyment of dark leafy greens, that drives my healthy lifestyle. Don’t get me wrong, I do, truly, enjoy broccoli and kale. It’s delicious. But of COURSE a cupcake is better. And yes, I get the runner’s high and appreciate being outside in the morning and having an energizing start to the day. But when it’s 50 degrees and there’s a windchill factor and fog, my bed is DEFINITELY better.

So, my confession to those of you I have preached to about jogging, fiber, flossing, and more. I have my inner sloth and glutton too. You can remind me of this the next time I feed you a Cafe-Gratitude-esque dinner or try to convince you that we can bond through jogging instead of shopping. Everyone should, however, continue to shower daily. There’s no flexibility on that.

the quotable shakespeare

I happen to be one of those annoying people who collects quotes and later recites them in conversation like they’re words of wisdom I came up with myself or scribbles them on papers with smiley faces. No, I don’t do that second part. But I do like to use quotes to back up my beliefs, even helpful reminders like, “heart disease – it’s the silent killer!” So when I came across this line recently, I had to adopt it:

Travel not to escape life, but to keep life from escaping you

Lest anyone think that I embarked on past or future adventures as a reaction to a mid-life crisis or fit of insanity, this explains the real reason much better than I ever could. After all, it’s not like there’s anything bad about my life to escape. Sure, I get the occasional split end and insufficiently caffeinated latte, but really, it ain’t bad being me. And there certainly isn’t much to escape in San Francisco. Everyone likes the city. Unless they’re on crack. No, actually, those people like it too. That’s why they’re still here. Voting with the feet. That’s how we roll.

But anyways, life is good, so it’s not so much traveling as escapism from my poor provincial life as making sure there isn’t something better out there. Because isn’t there an inherent feeling that there is? And don’t you want to do all the double-checking now, while free of any obligations, including leases because you live in an illegal sublet? The world is your oyster! Which I with sword will open. And by sword, I mean Visa, which is all you need. But once you’ve gone out and explored the rest of the oyster, you can be assured that life really is that good. Which just makes it that much better.

lukewarm

I was watching that Friends episode where it is revealed that Chandler hates dogs (all dogs, even puppies), and thinking how sad it is to be a persecuted minority. Probably not quite as sad as actually being a persecuted minority (see: non-Aryan), but frustrating nonetheless to explain over and over that there is no traumatic past, just hate, irritation, or just indifference.

It happens to everyone. I know people who don’t like chocolate. Reading. San Francisco. All universally likable things! And it does shock me, the way it must shock people to know that I don’t like dogs, hugs, and phones. God, I hate phones.

But the point being that nothing and nobody is universally adored. I happen to be extremely adorable (and modest), but in college, for the very first time, I learned that someone didn’t like me! Which was shocking because, you know, everyone likes me. That’s how they stay on the payroll. But it turns out this girl disliked me because I smiled too much. This irks me to this day, partly because this is the one and only known case of someone actively disliking me (as opposed to indifference), and partly because I am a petty and spiteful person. But also memorable because I learned that you will never be universally liked. And with this knowledge comes great freedom. Freedom to be crabby and care less about maintaining superficial friendships. Freedom to only smile when you feel like it. Which luckily is still most of the time. Because once you stop trying to be vanilla for everyone, you can be mocha almond fudge for the people who really appreciate it.  And be content knowing that nothing is universally liked.

Oh, except for burritos. Everybody loves a burrito.

darwin says…

Every day, I open my news sites (remember when we used to say “open the paper” or “turn on the TV”?) to see another article on the pair of lost humpback whales in the Sacramento River. While I was surprised to see that Free Willy Jr. and Sr. made the front page, I am now just irked that they have been taking up space for a week.

Space that could be used to showcase the group of friends dressed as CareBears at Bay to Breakers yesterday, summer okra recipes, or elaborate on this hilarious story about a man who tried to kill his girlfriend, only to be hit by a train himself. Talk about karma.

But the point is not only that there are so many other things going on in the world, but that really, what do these whales mean to us? Will my life be harmed in some way if there are two less humpbacks on this planet? Seeing as how we’re not allowed to eat whale, and that we no longer use their blubber for cooking/warmth, I feel they add no value to my life. Whereas, by consuming salmon and mackerel, they are actively competing with me for other scarce resources. They may be extinct, but I’m more worried about the Pacific salmon population.

As if these reasons weren’t good enough, marine biologists and their entourages spend time and resources getting them to move in the right direction, only to have them turn around and start swimming upstream again. So the scientists got back in their boats with their pots and pans and started banging away again. Millions of dollars spent luring the best and the brightest to the Golden State and we have them splashing around in the river to save some fish?? Maybe these whales want to die. You can put a crazy person on suicide watch, but if they really want to kill themselves, they will.

And if these whales aren’t suicidal, just a little turned around and in need of guidance? Well, that’s just natural selection at work, my friend.

my fellow graduates

The Psychology commencement 2007 featured the best student speaker I have ever heard. Her top three qualities were: humor, admitting she had Googled “graduation speeches” and summarized main points as her content, and being less than 5 minutes long.

And in case you were curious, Google gives the impression that all graduation speeches fall into one of five categories:

- College is the best time of your life (because you can sleep til noon, skip class, party all night, and your parents fund it all)

- We are entering the real world (in which this lifestyle will abruptly be cut off)

- Do what your heart tells you (as long as it’s a profession where you can make money to repay student loans)

- You have the power to change the world (do something that is noble and makes money)

- Don’t forget your friends (keep those Facebook and Myspace accounts open)!

Hahaha…I love humor.  Almost as much as I love brevity.

chicken of the sea

Due to the recent Chron article on the miracles of canned tuna and three Niçoise salads this week, I’ve been thinking a lot about this unappreciated fish.  But really, it’s incredible when you stop to think about what tuna can do for you.

Growing up, you enjoy the comfort of tuna salads, tuna sandwiches, and tuna melts.  I went to school packing many a tuna sandwich in my day (don’t forget to drain the celery or it’ll be watery!) and I still remember Smelly making me my very first tuna melt back in the day.  And I’m sure there are a few of you out there who will confess to mixing up the mac and cheese with a sprinkling of StarKist.  No?  It’s delicious.

 Nostalgia aside, those little cans are packing lean protein and omega 3s as well, so it’s worth remembering these recipes in our adult life.  And, for you bachelors, they’re just as easy as ramen and much healthier.

Of course, as adults, we enter the greater world of tuna, with bluefin and yellowtail sushi, grilled tuna steaks, and tuna tartares.  All of which are frankly much more delicious than a sandwich oozing with tuna and Cheddar.  Tuna in its rare and simply dressed state is really something worthy of admiration.  I would rank it near Al Gore on Time’s Top 100 list.  Maybe slightly above if it’s a really good tuna steak.

After all, it’s the versatility of tuna that makes it so awe-inspiring.  From the most run-down school system to the the finest restaurants around the world, the humblest can to the most expensive cut.  Even Jessica Simpson eats it (the stars!  they’re just like us!), out of the can, no less.  So the next time you’re browsing for canned beans or searching for the freshest slabs of salmon, remember how happy tuna can make you.  And even if you’ve got a bun in the oven, most canned tuna is skipjack, which is very low in mercury.  So ask yourself, WWJD (what would Jess do)?, get out that fork and can opener, and dig in.  For some chicken. 

le jambon ou les oeufs?

Some take advantage of the single life by going out, meeting people, partying, buying expensive toys, and other vices. I derive my kicks and giggles from online episodes of Grey’s Anatomy that happen to include French subtitles.

The current episode playing just brought up the brought up the chicken-and-pig question of relationship roles. Which is of course, that in every relationship, there’s the chicken and the pig. The chicken brings the eggs and does their part showing up every morning, but the ham makes the ultimate sacrifice in bringing the bacon.

I guess we’re supposed to be aspiring to be the pig and the one that’s really committing to people, futures, and life. But let me tell you, I think if you’re really the pig, you’re a dumbass. Why would you jump off the cliff for someone just on the off-chance that someone else is going to jump with you?

In completely unrelated news, I went to Bi-Rite Creamery today. Which has be touted as an organic haven of local frozen goodness that can be consumed completely free of any eco-driven guilt. And also a hot spot for visiting celebs. But despite all this hype, Bi-Rite is also really, really good. I mean, MITCHELL’s kind of good. With the creaminess and the interesting flavors and the pretty fresh-baked cookies and brownies and the happy people. And did I mention the creaminess? I had a scoop of ginger with a gingersnap cookie that made me nearly as happy as the day Phil and I watched 24 episodes of 24. And my college graduation. If I had taken a photo, it would one day go in a double frame with my wedding photo. In fact, I am definitely going to do that the next time I go there. Who wants ice cream tomorrow?

a higher place

Are you ever REALLY happy, so much so that you feel like you have transcended into a state of great calm and clarity?  And you have just a few very clear thoughts in your head?  Right now I am thinking:

 1)  I love money.  SO much.

2)   My doctor said I grew 1/4-inch.  I am now 5′1.

It’s the little things.

pursuit of happyness

Will Smith may have been referencing the Declaration of Independence, but lately the Bill of Rights has been the historical document on my mind. Not just because trivia night has started up again, but because a friend of mine was studying for a test on the amendments. Being a big fat dork, I was envious on the inside. So I’m reviewing them for my own pleasure here. Unfortunately, my personal favorite, the 25th Amendment (presidential succession, featured in season 2 of 24), is not included here, but life is hard.

In the interest of time, I’m just breaking down the Bill of Rights – into what they are and what they should be. Please note parenthetical edits.

First – Freedom of religion, speech (unless you are speaking about religion), press, assembly, and right to petition the government (except through overuse of California’s prolific initiative system).

Second – Right to keep and bear arms

Third – No soldier’s quartered in your home without your consent (and no wild beasties, grown children, or unwanted guests either).

Fourth – No unreasonable search and seizure (unreasonable heretofore defined as any search increasing waiting time for entrance and any seizure of food/water bottles at sporting venues).

Fifth – Right to due process, protection against self-incrimination or double jeopardy (Try, try, try again).

Sixth – Trial by jury and other rights of the accused (except in cases where it is a waste of 12 citizens time to listen, whereupon a well-salaried judge reaping government employee benefits will take his/her sweet time passing down the law).

Seventh – Civil suits of more than $20 shall all be tried by jury (where 12 people who hate their jobs more than jury duty will relish their opportunity to stick it to the man).

Eighth – Prohibition of excessive bail and/or cruel and excessive punishment (I think of it as effective punishment. Learning experiences, even).

Ninth – Just because a right isn’t listed here, doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it (it does mean, however, that we find it less important than where Joe Soldier is sleeping tonight).

Tenth – Powers not specifically restricted to the federal government will fall under jurisdiction of states and their people. (Until the federal legislatures decide they would like to abolish slavery, abortion, and then watch ‘An Inconvenient Truth’ and throw in some unfunded environmental mandates as well).

While these top ten need some help and updating to modern times (okay, updating to fit my beliefs), they really have held up quite well. I mean, how many other items from the 1700s are still kicking around? Cornbread? Penicillin? Men in wigs and heels? And soon to come, a real look at modern times with amendments 11-27.

good citizens

This Wednesday, we celebrated one of our great American holidays, Baskin Robbins’ 31 cent cone night.   (Side note: you know you have truly embraced a lethargic lifestyle when your conversations go, “hmm….Tuesday we ate three dinners, Thursday was Grey’s Anatomy, so ice cream must have been Wednesday”).

Anyways, while some may extol the virtues of Ben and Jerry’s free cone night, I think that BR may be a more complete experience for several reasons.

1) All flavors are available.

2) You can get up to ten scoops at once (which apparently, was still not enough for some guy who went back at least five times while we were there).

3) Proceeds go to help firefights, preschoolers, blind children, or something, so while being a little piglet, you are also doing your part for society.

The only downside of the evening was when Bonnie declared, “This is the best 93 cents I ever spent!”

To which I replied, “Excuse me?  They charged me sales tax.”  But I consider that my greater contribution to the common good.

Not nearly as good as that of an everyday citizen later that evening!  We were nearing the 10PM closing mark of the event and wondering how employees planned on cutting down the line that wrapped around the block.   They hit upon the clever idea of giving the last person an ‘END OF LINE’ sign to hold and taking a photo of said person for documentation.  While I found this to be quite a burden to place on the shoulders of a simple motherly figure who only wanted her evening frozen treat, I must say, she stepped up to the task.  It’s really like JFK said…what can we do for our country?  And she maintained order and did her best to shoo everyone away, allowing the worker bees of our country to steadily scoop their way home.

That kind of patriotism is what makes you happy to be American.  That, and the 31 cent cones.

a baaaaad thing

We’re halfway through tonight’s two-hour episode of Grey’s Anatomy. Which we were were excited about, but that was before we realized this is really just a two-hour test pilot for Addison Montgomery’s new show. Now, I’m all about Kate Walsh/Addison Montgomery. She’s way hotter than Meredith, she’s smart and competent, she has only hooked up with hot men on this show. All good things. Here are some bad things: spin-offs, LA, and new friends that are pitiful copies of her old ones on Grey’s. And another bad thing – deception! When you promote an exciting major new episode, there should be bombs, wounded doctors, and tragic deaths. There should not be Taye Diggs walking along an LA beach with a little rat dog.

The best part of the new show – since these friends are not real doctors, nor do they work at a real hospital, that means that Addison wears super cute outfits. Not nearly as cute as the extremely-covetable green trench Izzie was wearing just now for her adultery-in-an-elevator scene, but cute, nonetheless.

Worst part of the new show – Addison and her new friends (also in their 40s) ogling a teenage boy in board shorts. Ew. Ew.

Meredith’s dad just slapped her. I generally encourage slapping Meredith whenever possible, but I don’t think that’s very good parenting.

Note to ABC: this is a baaaaaad thing.

buyers beware

In listing my favorite advertisements, I forgot to mention this one:

I like to spend time cackling over the stupidity of moving in with someone you know nothing about, but I realize this may come back in stunningly bad karmic retribution as I am about to move in with someone who could be this posterboy, so I refrain from berating these imaginary people out loud. I still enjoy cackling to myself about the naivete of this women though.

This ad also amuses me because it reminds me of the proliferation of background checks in 21st century dating. Partly because people are out there on Craigslist, Match.com, and god knows what else. But also because we have Myspace, Facebook, and of course, the powers of Google at our disposal. I have often mocked people who go to such lengths, citing their efforts as time-consuming and ineffective. This includes my current boyfriend, who admitted to having googled me, thus earning him several minutes of ridicule. After all, just because Melinda did the due diligence on my behalf, doesn’t mean I solicited such services.

But this post is also a retraction of all scornful past remarks (about online background research – I can’t take them all back). Because I read this article today about a woman who googled her boyfriend of five years and found him listed as one of America’s Most Wanted. So, okay, perhaps this exercise is not completely useless.

Melinda – You are right. As always.