musings from my sickbed

Do you think wetter.de is more accurate than weather.com just because it’s a German website?  Or does host location not matter as the satellites are probably the same?  But when there’s variation, I just don’t know which way to go.  Of course, as both sites are forecasting snow on Monday and Tuesday, I chose to ignore them both.  Snow!  Ha!  Like they’re allowed to have snow before I’ve moved back to America.

Since I’ve spent the past few days deathly ill, rising from bed only to drape myself on the couch to watch Grey’s Anatomy, there have been few bright spots in my life.  But the one that shone the brightest by far was a fashion magazine ad I saw offering this with a year’s subscription.  At home they ply us with tote bags and tshirts, but in Deutschland, they bring out the big guns.  Unfortunately, the German did not seem to appreciate the irony of a fashion magazine handing out deep-fryers, but I trust my reading audience will not disappoint me. 

I meticulously file all of my bank and credit card statements, organize my wardrobe by color, and my produce by weight.  How, how, how is it still possible for me to lose things in our one-bedroom apartment?  It never ceases to shock me when I lose something, mostly because it’s such a rare occurrence.  But when it happens, it drives me nuts until it is found, or in some cases, continues to plague me for the rest of my life, like the Pumpkin Pie of 1996.  Luckily, I found the sweatshirt in question under my pillow, so it’s 10:47 and my work here is done for another day.

goofy logic

Recent conversation between me, the German, and voices in our my head: 

The German: Can you believe we’ve been dating for a year?

Me: Can you believe it’s been 18 years since the Berlin Wall came down?

ESPN: Can you believe it’s been 6 years since USC last lost at home?

Melinda: I told you so!  I told you so!

Last year, I quit my job to bum around and travel, at the urging of my goofy friend, who pointed out that as I was young and financially secure, nothing too terrible could happen.  In the nerve-wracking days leading up to actually handing in notice and departing the country, I often berated myself for heeding her advice.  While I did go off to frolic and enjoy life, I also met an equally goofy man who convinced me to move to Germany.  Which only led to more mental cursing of The Melinda as I packed my bags again.

But now, as I have survived my first few months amongst the Deutsch, mastered enough German to read travel and style sections of Die Welt, and the German and I have not killed each other, I would like to say: You were right.  As always.

’tisn’t the season

This afternoon, I saw a store display completely filled with Christmas decorations.  See, people, this is what happens when you’re not a completely capitalistic and commercialized democracy.  Without fake pumpkin lanterns and candy corn and Black Friday to establish order to the holiday regime, people haul off and start celebrating Christmas in October.  Marketing is a good thing.  More accurate than real calendars.

Although, speaking of holidays, I came across a list of the ones celebrated in Bavaria and 11 of 13 are Catholic holidays.  Bavaria also has more public holidays than any other German state, thanks to the large Catholic population in a predominately Protestant state.  If I was to give on one element of my First Amendment rights, I would say, unity of church and state?  Not so terrible.

rants and raves: us consulate

Today I paid a visit to the flagship of the motherland (the consulate, not Starbucks).  And in a testimony to their awesomeness, I have mostly good things to say.

Raves:

- Location.  Just a few minutes from Marienplatz and at the edge of the English Garden, you could make your way here even if you weren’t trying.  My thoughts are with those Chinese citizens trekking out to Nymphenberger Schloss for their services.

- Efficiency.  I got my extra passport pages, absentee voting info, and found out I have to fill out an IRS form every year, even when working abroad, all in 30 minutes.  I can’t wait to come renew my passport in complete peace.

- Flatscreen tvs and internet.  Because as great as it is to have English newspapers, you can only read the International Herald Tribune for so long.

Rants:

- Bureaucracy.  After I dropped off my passport and form, the woman asked me to go to the cashier.  Despite the fact that there’s no charge for extra pages.  When I pointed this out, she said I still needed to go get a receipt.  So I walked down the hall, got my receipt for €0, and came back.  It was still a speedy process, but, seriously?

- California is one of only 15 states whose residents are required to take both written and behind-the-wheel tests before getting a German drivers license.  Half the states get them automatically, while the rest require you only to take the written test.  At least New Yorkers are in the doghouse with us.

- Columbus Day.  The consulate was closed yesterday, which I couldn’t understand until a friend in banking reminded me it was Columbus Day.  I thought we were being PC and not celebrating that anymore and letting citizens get their errands done on Oct. 8?

EOE revised

During a weekend spent lying around on the sofa attempting to stave off impending cold with the indomitable combination of tea-lemon-honey, I also tore through a large portion of our english-language books.  One of which happened to be Hillary Clinton’s Living History (I chose to bring her book over Bill’s for three simple reasons: 1. she’s running for office 2. it’s a better book 3. it’s paperback).  The re-read reminded me of several good points, but her admiration and praise for Madeleine Albright’s fluency in Czech during their trips together also convinced me that future US presidents really need to speak a foreign language.  And not the way Bush “speaks” Spanish, but fluency to discuss foreign affairs, make small take with spouses, and tell dirty jokes over cocktails.  That’s dirty jokes, not just dirty words.

Granted, one cannot deny that English is the unofficial international language.  I ran into three lost Oktoberfest revelers yesterday, none of whom spoke English, German, or Chinese as a native language, but given those choices all jumped on English.  And as much as I value language and recognize the monolingualism of many English speakers, I also truly believe that it’s a bit of a chicken-and-egg dilemma.  Every American expat and traveller with a modicum of fluency in a foreign language knows the frustration of making good faith efforts to communicate in the native language only to be repeatedly rebuffed with English responses.  True, a lot of people don’t try.  But isn’t it also true that a lot of people can but see no reason to try?  After all, an increasingly globalized community needs a common language.  It’s ridiculous to expect all 192 UN ambassadors to speak every language represented there.  I would even consider it unrealistic to expect fluency in the six official languages.  Just as it’s unrealistic and limiting to expect every business traveller to master the language of every country they visit.  The world needs a common language, and with regrets to the makers of Esperanto, English it is.  And if you are raised already speaking the need-to-know language, there is less of an incentive for bi- or multi-lingualism.  After all, for the Slovenian or Hungarian teenager linguistic ability directly affects future earning potential.  For the American teenager, not so much.  And let’s face it, monetary incentives are everything when it comes to motivation.

But I digress.  The point being that while it’s understandable that the leading presidential candidates are completely monolingual (sorry, Obama fans, we’re taking a realistic look at Clinton and Guiliani here.  Also, Indonesian?) it’s also regrettable.  And though official state business, G8 summits, and more will likely continue to favor English, the rest of the world will look favorably on a US president who can fluently and comfortably converse in another language.  And it should be a requirement for any Secretary of State candidates – presidents can cry health care and social security, but them not so much.

For politicos-in-training, I would like to suggest the following languages:

1. Spanish.  Not only is it the most widely spoken foreign language within US territory, it is also the official language of the majority of our neighbors.

2. Mandarin.  I may be biased, but it is the most widely spoken language in the world.  Not to mention the official language of the other world superpower and an ever-growing trading partner. 

3. French.  I personally don’t see a dominance of French over any other European language but it is a language of both historical and cultural relevance, and a dominate language of EU affairs.

4.  German.  Again, not just because of personal bias, but German is the second-most common language in the EU, after English.  Plus, nearly 50 million people in America are of German descent, not to mention the English language itself.  And in terms of financial incentives, Germany is third-largest economy in world and one of America’s biggest trading partners.

5.  Arabic or Russian should probably go here, but frankly, I can’t come up with any reason to justify them other than proliferation.  So I say work on the top four and once you master those, shift your focus to social security.

american beauties

I may have spent four years at the best university in the Bay Area, but the fact is that rankings and championships aside, everyone loves an underdog.  I don’t think there a person in the college football nation (≠ USC fans) who didn’t watch an upset of this magnitude in sheer glee.  Little Giants with more money and better cheerleaders!  And there must be some drunk in Vegas who accidentally marked the wrong box and is now celebrating the best day of his life as well.

Soccer and German sports commentators just aren’t the same.  What’s a beautiful and sunny Saturday afternoon without ESPN/ABC and some genius being paid tens of thousands to present weekly gems like “The key to victory, Jim, is holding on to the ball.  And scoring.”?

east meets west

Everyone loves a holiday, and no one more so than the tens of thousands of people that poured into the Wies’n and my backyard to celebrate yesterday’s national holiday.  For readers in my homeland, picture Disneyland on 4th of July weekend and add approximately 1 million liters of beer.  We opted for a 3 mile walk to dinner, rather than face public transportation.  Although the first mile of that walk was just as congested.

Anyways, in honor of German Reunification Day, Unity Day, October 3, or whatever the cool kids are calling it, let’s review some of Eastern Germany’s great contributions.  Forget those naysayers who moan about the cost of reunification and continued taxation of the west to bring the east up to par.  This isn’t a rap war, can’t we all just get along?

1. Angie.  Not just the chancellor, but Forbes 2007 Most Powerful Woman of the Year.  And anyone who can take on Condi (4) Oprah (21), and Hillary (25) deserves to be number one on my list as well.  Especially Oprah.

2. Bertolt Brecht.  Granted, born in Bavaria, but established himself in the east.  And a devotee of Marxism, so that in itself is enough.

3.  Resorts on the Baltic Coast.  Germans cannot survive on tanning booths alone.  Nor Italy, for our northern neighbors.

4.  Institutionalized steroid use.  Where would Barry and Lance be today without the efforts of these pioneers?

5.  Johann Bach.  Gotta love that Well-Tempered Clavier.

6.  Russian.  Which of course, did not originate in Eastern Europe, but the learning of which certainly spread under communism and continues today.  After all, mastery of German, English, and French just isn’t good enough.

oktoberfestivities

Two events during the Wies’n that really highlight German efficiency:

OPENING PARADE: As with Macy’s Thanksgiving, Rose, and other similar events you would find in America (albeit, less balloons, more horses) you have the traditional rope barriers and police.  There were also a million horses and their unfortunate byproducts littering the streets.  However, in an impressive display of efficiency and planning, the last float was immediately followed by police cars, a street sweeping truck, a street cleaning truck, and then a line of policemen who followed in the wake of cleanliness, taking down the ropes as they walked.  We were standing maybe 20 feet from the street corner, and by the time we reached it, the streets were already swept clean, ropes taken down, and the procession far ahead of us.

RESPONSE TEAM: Once we fought and cajoled our way into some table space, my friend was disconcerted to find a man who’d had one (or 5) too many maß groping her.  Within five minutes, security had been alerted, the man forcefully removed, someone returned to ask if we wanted an official complaint filed, empty beer mugs were cleared away, and a new group of revelers had taken the empty space.

My Oktoberfest highlight: meat, pretzels, roasted nuts, and chocolate-covered fruit as far as the eye can see.

The German’s Oktoberfest highlight: taking three women to the Wies’n, buying one beer, and getting them all drunk.

fresh observations

The revolving door at casa alemania has swung shut for now and the last cupcake crumbs disposed of, so back to our regularly-scheduled blogging.  I think having guests helps me notice things that I’ve already started to take for granted.  Kind of like how A.Frankels used to visit us in SF and point out random things and then lecture us for not appreciating how lucky we were to live in such a cool place.  Note to self: appreciate surroundings.  Starting tomorrow.

Maybe I didn’t notice earlier because there hadn’t been that much rain, but the highways here are made of some special water-resistant material so that when it rains, everything is sluiced off to the sides and the roads stay completely dry, thus allowing maniacal Germans to continue along at the dry-weather pace of 200-250kph.  I suppose this is actually a safe and efficient use of technology, but when you’re driving along and it’s pouring outside and the roads are still pale and dry, it feels like a horror movie.  Maybe only one of those teenage-I-Know-What-You-Did-Last-Summer horror movies, but still!  It’s weird!

And back on the Munich-safety bandwagon, Goofy pointed out that no one locks their bikes around here!  I hadn’t picked up on that, but it is true.  Or if they do, it’s one of those cord-around-the-wheel loops that doesn’t even secure it to a stationary object!  Not a U-lock in sight.  L.T. T.J. would have fits.

Good thing it is so safe here, because I’ve realized I have a terrible habit of leaving my keys in the door.  I have absolutely no idea how this happens, and yet, this has occurred on more occasions that I would like to admit in case the other inhabitant of this apartment comes across this post (in which case, it only happened that one time you found them in the door 20 hours after I’d entered!).  I think I need to start wearing a lanyard in a throwback to collegiate years in order to render such absentmindedness obsolete.

Thanks to my visitors for some highly entertaining weeks.  Keep ‘em coming (don’t forget your cover charge of english-language magazines and strict dress code of hoodies and pajamas only).