L.O.A.H.F. (i’d tell you but i’d have to kill you)

Things about Germany that suck:

- Everybody speaking a language that you understand, but gives you a headache if forced to speak it for more than an hour at a time.

- Having your sources of meaningful conversation limited to two men: your boyfriend, and the produce market guy.  And conversation with the produce guy is meaningful only in that it exists.

- Idleness leading you to churn out baked goods faster than a two-person household can consume them.

- Going to German school with teenage Polish kids whose language skills far surpass your own.

- Being so far away from your friends and family that you only have a 3 hour time window when you can really call people.

- Crazy German men who think that sweats and pjs are not acceptable attire for activities such as answering the door, cleaning, and walking around within your apartment building.

- Being so bored with life that you actually regress into a sloth-like state where mundane tasks like responding to emails and getting dressed in real clothes become too much for you to think about.

Things about Germany that in no way suck:

Spending the afternoon with a group of women who, for the first time in months, know exactly what you mean. 

national pie day

The silver lining of Thanksgiving in Germany 2007 was clearly the genius formula of 1 pie, 2 people.  Also the compromise of mini-dinner on Thursday of turkey-and-black-bean chili, cornbread, and brownies, followed by real-dinner over the weekend of chicken (I suggested turkey portions or the ’small’ 8lb turkeys, but was brutally rebuffed), stuffing, veggies, mashed potatoes, and of course, pie.  Apparently, sweet pies are an entirely new food concept to the German, who had only seen those British meat pie items before and was unconvinced that a member of the squash family could be transformed into a delicious dessert.  In fact, he was unconvinced right up until actual dessert time, at which point he proceeded to eat half the pie.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, we’re returning to our regularly scheduled programming of sarcasm and rants.  Starting with the immigration and employment offices, which are taking a ridiculously long time to process my permit.  It’s been nearly six weeks, which I suppose would not be so bad if not for the fact that first they said it would take two weeks, and then another week, and then another, and now it’s nearly December.  If they had saidit would be six weeks, I could have assured myself that was quick for government paper-pushing and gone off on a nice trip.  Or even signed up for another month of German classes.  But instead, I’m in a limbo of calling the offices every day, making weekly visits, and trying not to let my PJs weld themselves to my body in the event that the permit comes through and I have to go to work the next day.  It’s a tough life.  It also means that I’ve started my second viewing of the entire OC series.  Luckily, I’m only on season 1, but if I make it through season 4 with still no word, I might have to kill myself.  Or actually, someone else, like Frank Koppke of the Auslanderamt, office number 1020, desk on the left side of the office.  You are either an evil, misleading weapon of the man or a completely clueless office drone. 

national security

The list of things to be thankful for continues to grow as today we praise: shoddy enforcement of credit card security.  Praise? you may ask?  Yes indeed, on this special occasion, the lack of proper electronic standards has worked in my favor.  I wanted to order some DVDs online to be picked up by my sister at her local Best Buy.  Unfortunately, while punching in her credit card number (which I have filed away for reference, of course), I realized I was missing the security code.  Which, by the way, my previous employer made us start asking for to increase security.  Since I was unable to reach her by phone, and copies of The West Wing were disappearing by the minute (completely true – in the span of 15 minutes, three seasons went from available to back-ordered), I just made one up.  And it went through, later that week she presented her card and picked up the good with no trouble.

Security my foot!  I also learned from previous experience that expiration dates are irrelevant and can be made up on the spot.  So basically, all that extra crap companies ask for do no good at all!  Our financial information is not safer!  We cannot rest more easily.  Unless you are me, wrapped in a blanket of blissful consumerism, or my family, who apparently fell into a post-Thanksgiving-feast stupor while watching season one.  We are all sleeping quite well, thank you.

Happy Thanksgiving and Black Friday to all!

hunting and gathering

The German is always talking about how he’s Swabian and Swabians are known for being cheap, so one thing that has always thrown me is his complete lack of interest in comparison shopping.  And this is no typical-male-aversion to dragging out the shopping exercise.  No, he is happy to traipse for hours while whipping out his wallet at the first sign of something he likes.  Whereas I could happily traipse for hours looking at the same pair of shoes in five different stores.

But through this process, I have come to realize that price wars are virtually absent in Germany.  Whether you’re at Karstadt or Penny Markt, advent calendars are the same.  Same with sports gear, shoes, and everything else I’ve found.  I actually read an article about how the German government regulates book prices in order to protect independent bookshops from the onslaught of a Borders-esque Hugendubel monopoly.  Which is admirable, although I must say it is lovely to peruse those shelves full of 3-for-2 while sipping some of Seattle’s Best.

So on this anniversary of the day when the Indians showed the Pilgrims how to hunt and gather and not starve, I would like to express my thankfulness for the German streamlining of my own personal hunting-and-gathering process.

Also, I am thankful that my running pants, which are so tight they would make any pegged-jeans wearers of the 80’s jealous, are extremely warm and moisture-wicking and have already provided a week of comfortable runs.  Who cares that the last time I wore pants this tight I was also sporting a T-shirt dress and a scrunchie?  Warmth rocks.

saying grace

During a recent conversation with my mother, she asked if I would be celebrating Thanksgiving at the home of the Germans.  When I pointed out that Germans don’t celebrate Thanksgiving, instead of realizing that Otto von Bismark and Co. were not present for the first breaking of cornbread between pilgrims and Indians, she asked why it is not a holiday here.  Three post-graduate degrees and the woman still is unclear on the story of Squanto and friends.

I may have let Halloween go by without complaint (being in Malta and having a candy bar helped) but Thanksgiving is one of my favorite holidays.  And must be duly recognized with sweet potatoes, turkey, and pie, regardless of location.  Nevermind that my family celebrates with a strange hybrid of chinese-american food that results in sticky rice, roast beef and ham and ribs (but no turkey) and cheesecake, pie, and pumpkin cheesecake.  It is still a sacred day of being with family and eating until the elastic in your sweatpants/stretchy jeans burst.

In fact, I’ve already started making a list of things I am thankful for:

1. That the German was wrong when he claimed that I would not be able to find a pie pan in the whole of the BRD.  €10 and a trip to Karstadt am Dom says otherwise, buster.

2.  The speed and efficiency of the German postal system.

3.  Being lucky enough to have someone in my life who truly understands me.  In that, when I say “What time is it?” he knows the correct response is always, always “Are you hungry?”

I’m sure there are more lovely things in the world, and I fully intend to spend the rest of the week thinking about them.  What are you thankful for?

is nothing sacred?

I was watching the new Rihanna video the other day and wondering where her seriously cute trench coat comes from.  When online researched failed to yield results, I realized I could also just go to her concert tonight to ask in person, but seeing as how a) she probably doesn’t know and b) I nearly suffered frost bite just going to get the mail, that idea was rejected.  No more of this going outside business except for hunting and gathering!

But in current events in the homeland, I came across a story about a teen gunned down in SF’s Metreon for walking too slowly.  While this is an appalling example of what’s wrong with America’s overexposed-to-violence teens and Walmart gun culture, it also gives me a long-awaited opportunity to say “I TOLD YOU SO!”  Last year, on New Year’s Eve, the German and I were heading home from central London.  Trying to exit Waterloo station, a group of hyperactive teenage boys started fighting with the station guards, and then each other (over a girl or a look, I’m sure).  The German, driven by instinct or defunct XY chromosomes, attempted to step in, at which point I dragged him away screeching that he was as crazy as the Michael Vicks in training who were obviously packing.

Turned out, of course, that the mini-badasses were armed with nothing but prepubescently slim-fingered fists and were instantly subdued by much more badass and 50lb heavier guards.  Who also had no weapons, by the way.  And I was ridiculed for thinking teenagers would ever have guns in civilized society.  But now SFgate has come through to prove my concerns are valid.  Kids are crazy and armed.  Escalator standers and movie-goers beware!  If 8-year-olds can get guns, even the audiences of Bee Movie are not safe.

Completely inappropriately, this also reminds me of a joke I overheard some 5-year-olds sharing in Marienplatz. 

First man: That power outage yesterday was terrible!  I was stuck in the elevator for 30 minutes!

Second man: You’re telling me!  I was stuck on the escalator for over an hour!

bet you can’t

Wetten Das//Bet that… is apparently the most popular TV show in Germany, commanding 20% of the viewing audience whenever it’s on.  Seeing as how presidential elections barely get that much support, I couldn’t wait to see what all the fuss is about.  Apparently, random people get up and proclaim their ability to perform some amazing feat like drive a train with an egg balanced on top without cracking it.  And the celebrity guest bets whether they can do it or not.  Generally, I find this a pretty stupid waste of an hour.

However, last night, the random performers were two small children who boasted the ability to plot 250 cities (within half a centimeter) on an outline of Germany.  That is, just an outline.  No mountains, no France, no rivers, nothing.  They just studied hard, came up with crazy memory tricks, and drew on their big Germany white board map every day.

While this was astounding in itself, it really opens up a world of opportunity.  Because, picture this game show: two 8-year-old kids are given only an outline of America and correctly plot 250 cities.  Then the giant marker is passed off to Paris Hilton/Arnold Schwarzenegger/Donald Trump and they are instructed to repeat.  Who wants to see this aired?  I, for one, would be glued to the screen every night.  They could even do spin-offs, where instead of Celebrity Jeopardy and College Jeopardy, we have famous couples (Jessica Simpson/Nick Lachey – the Newlyweds reunion) or 5th grade teachers.  Or better yet, instead of presidential debates, we could have them all square off with their own America whiteboards.  With a state capitals elimination round.

Someone at Fox come sign these kids up! 

yarma-claus are coming…

I ventured out into the bleak and stormy wilderness this weekend to see Ratatouille at Cinema Muenchen.  A block from the cinema, we suddenly encountered a stream of Chinese people, I mean, more than I have ever seen in the four months I have lived here.  Since, you know, the last record was when my parents were visiting and the three of us had dinner.  But anyways, as they were clearly not tourists, we struggled to figure out the phenomena until we reached the theater and realized there Ang Lee’s new film had been screening.  I can’t imagine it’s better than Ratatouille though, which was awesome.  I never thought animated food could make me drool.  And Remy reminds them that cleanliness is next to godliness!  If I had a rat-soulmate….

As someone born and raised in California, I spent the past three days waking up at 6.30 and poking the German to point out that there is white stuff on the ground and our death from frostbite is imminent.  As someone born and raised in Germany, I suspect he does not appreciate my concern for his health and welfare.

Inspired by the snow and holiday madness, I’ve spent the weekend holed up making cards (and a mess) all over the living room and watching OC Christmakkuh episodes.  Because nothing says holiday cheer like glue, glitter, JC, Moses, and Death Cab.  Unless it’s 6+ aisles of Christmas candy in the supermarket and enough advent calendars to last til the end of time.  The Germans really know how to do Christmas.  And maybe this is just American PC paranoia, but it throws me off a little bit to talk about “Christmas” instead of “the holidays”.  I don’t think anyone even says “the holidays” here because that would just get confused with vacations.  Actually, that’s why I stopped saying it, because people thought I was talking about some trip I was taking in December.  But that’s how we’ve been trained!

Last week, the German started reading this book he had just bought.  Five pages into it, he realized that he actually already owned this book in English, but since the German title was not a literal translation, he thought it was a new book by the author.  I ridiculed him and then forgot about it.  This week, I came home from a library visit and started to read one of my new books.  And five pages into that, I realized that it was the exact same book I had JUST RETURNED, but with a different title.

And the craziest part of this is that our two books were the same!  So between the two of us, we have had four copies of Bill Bryson’s Notes from a Big Country/I’m a Stranger Here Myself in this apartment.  Karma really does bite.  Also, Bill Bryson, what’s wrong with you? 

evolution

Ways in which my new work environment differs from its predecessor:

- Counting number of straight men requires more than one hand.

- Games of celebrity nerd jeopardy, where my contributions consist of providing what MIT stands for.

- Phrases 24/7 and 9 to 5 replaced with 24 BY 7 and 9 BY 5 (Is this a German thing??)

- No Gay Mafia

Similarities to previous work place:

- Jeans and sneakers

- Unfamiliarity with the Asian Glow

The legal department’s presentation during orientation also covered the importance of the Sarbanes-Oxley Act in the post-Enron world.  You know what’s not in line with the Sarbanes-Oxley Act?  The German church tax!  I don’t pay it, as a registered atheist, but I still take issue.  Because is the bucket (or vessel of JC or whatever the cool kids are calling it these days) not still passed around in the church itself?  What kind of double accounting is this?  If I was a borderline Protestant watching my budget, I’d rather cut the church than give up by $1.50-coffee-a-day-that-adds-up-to-$400-a-year!  But maybe that’s how they weed out the weak.

I came across an editorial the other day protesting IVF as being “not darwinian” and insinuating the resulting children would have slower brain development.  At the risk of being smacked down with the karma stick, I refrained from laughing, but did Taylor Townsend go into journalism or what?

inane grumblings

Apparently, when the right-wing conspirators against Dennis Kucinich have some free time, they like to spend it decrying Harry Potter and his Big Gay Headmaster.  I have a whole wealth of my own criticism for our friend JK, following her surprise announcement, mostly along the following themes:

- Your time is over.  You enjoyed far more than the 15 minutes Los Del Rio, Ken Jennings, Janet Jackson’s right breast, and the Cal Bears football team (September 2007) had and they resent you.  Stop adding crap.  If you wanted to write more, you should have made 8 books.

- If this is really a big statement about diversity and accepting everyone, why keep Dumbledore totally closeted for the entire series?  With a hundred pages a book dedicated to teen angst over lurve could not a sentence or two have been spared to give the old guy some crush, emotion, or Bulgarian playmate?

- This is so unbelievable and baseless.  As Smelly has so, so, so often pointed out, Lupin is clearly the Big Gay, what with his werewolfism-as-thinly-disguised-AIDS (transferred from older men to young boys?  incurable?  outcast from society?  discouraged from reproduction?).  If you’re going to make an attention-grabbing statement to draw out your media headlines, at least make it something backed up by your work.

In other crankiness, so many MTV EMA signs at the airport, so few Snoop Dogg in lederhosen sightings.  Guess he doesn’t fly Lufthansa. 

Also, apparently Webster’s 2007 Word of the Year is grass station.  What?  I’ve never even heard of this term, much less adopted it into my lexicon.  Crackberry, tween, paparazzi – all terms I fully endorse, but this is something else.  C’mon, New Oxford American Dictionary and American Dialect Society, I’m counting on you to step it up.

rot tape

Back from what was supposed to be a pre-beginning of work vacation to Malta.  But thanks to our friends at the Arbeitsamt, it was just a vacation.  While the warm weather, miles of coastline, and food are wonderful, I’m not sure we’ll be repeat customers.  One completely awesome factor is the money: not just low prices, but those coupled with a Maltese lira worth more than the British pound.  Which means you can basically walk around with a £10 note and a pocketful of change and feed two people breakfast, lunch, afternoon coffee, later afternoon ice cream, and three course dinners.  With wine.  India and Taiwan may be cheaper, but at 40 rupees and 30 taiwainese dollars to the US$, you still have to cart around the equivalent of a paperback novel.  High-value currency is definitely the way to go.  Note to self for future empire.

I’ve often thought it would be great to be ruler of a small country.  I mean, POTUS sounds good and comes with right to refer to yourself as the ruler of the free world, but my god, the actual work!  Not to mention term limits, campaigning, and lack of tiaras.  Obviously, when choosing which distant land to conquer, the location, location, locationmaxim applies just as much as ever.  The smallest 17 countries in the world combined would be roughly the size of Rhode Island.  So, picking some remote Pacific Island is out of the question.  We’re looking for a small country that has big neighbors to exploit.  Stricken from ’smallest countries’ status with a whopping 999m² mass, I would still go for Luxembourg.  Surrounded by Belgium, France, and Germany, it enjoys one of the highest GDP/capitas in the world and reaps great economic benefits from its inclusion in both Benelux and the EU.

For those of you inspired to plot your own coups, a list of the 17 smallest countries in the world:

• Andorra
• Antigua and Barbuda
• Barbados
• Grenada
• Liechtenstein
• Maldives
• Malta
• Marshall Islands
• Monaco
• Nauru
• Palau
• St. Kitts and Nevis
• St. Vincent and the Grenadines
• San Marino
• Seychelles
• Tuvalu
• Vatican City

Please comment with your notes and military strategies.

Speaking of attempted takeovers, I read about this week’s Democratic debate where John Edwards and Barack Obama both implied that the Republicans pick on Hillary Clinton, not because she’s the frontrunner, but because they think she’s the easiest to beat in a general election.  While I actually think highly of both these men, they are also making it obvious that G-Dub isn’t the only politician with a substance abuse problem.  That is the craziest argument I have ever heard.  As a member of the American and registered-Democrat public, I am offended that they expect us to believe that crap.  I sincerely doubt that the GOP criticism is actually all a grand cover-up for a right-wing conspiracy against Dennis Kucinich.  Then again, Stephen Colbert was denied placement on the South Carolina primary ballot, so maybe he was the real victim and Mike Duncan is cackling, kicking back, and sending flowers and chocolates to the Clinton campaign headquarters as we speak.

Also, Joe!  Joe Biden!  You would be my number 2 in 2008 if we had a ranking voting system for the Funniest Quote by a Politician Since Dan Quayle Left Office:  “There’s only three things he [Rudy Giuliani] mentions in a sentence: a noun, a verb, and 9/11.”