leaping time

Today was going to be a rant about stupid people, but as I resolved to stop thinking other people are stupid (out loud) this month, and it is still February, I will refrain.

So in lieu of ranting, a tribute to the holiday! Which it should be. We should have Feb. 29th parties. However, my extensive online research (ie: googling) turned up no special Feb 29th food or rituals. But I did discover two fascinating people associated with this date.

1. Ernest Lawrence. Winner of the Nobel Prize in Physics for his invention and development of the cyclotron, he is also the namesake of Lawrence Labs in Berkeley and element 103, Lawrencium. When he received this award, he was a young professor and thus became the first person affiliated with a state university to win the award. That university, which went on to field another sixty Nobel Laureates, was of course my beloved Alma Mater.

The Nobel committee made special arrangements, due to WWII, to host the ceremony on the Berkeley campus on February 29, 1939.

2. Ja Rule. Famous and respected worldwide for his fluency in both Latin and Ebonics (Venni, Vetti, Vecci) and his amazing ability to generate millions by finding a new female artist each week to do the singing and dancing for him, yet ensuring that the billing always reads Ja Rule feat. X.

Jeffrey Atkins was born on February 29, 1976.

So for those of you planning Leap Year parties, might I suggest a soundtrack of Pain is Love and a rousing game of uranium-isotope separation?

taxes, taxes everywhere

Remember that first summer in high school when you joined the work force in the form of a stint at your local mall?  To be rewarded with discounts on merchandise and days full of visits from your friends who worked in other stores?  And of course, the beauty of earned income…only to receive your first paycheck and think, ‘who are these  FICA guys and why are they getting all my money?’

Well, after receiving my first paycheck, I find that FICA’s got nothing on the German government!  But it appears I have truly drunk from the Socialist Kool-Aid, because after I stopped freaking out and read all the line items, I have become convinced that it is really not that bad.  The painful 37% breaks down into a far more digestible:

17% income tax.  Low compared to US Income tax rates (25%).  There appear to be no state taxes.

10% pension.  Reasonable considering generous Social Security eliminates the need for private 401ks, and this is certainly less than I contributed to my own retirement account in the states.  Although it seems completely wasted here, as I will likely not be around long enough to collect it, I heard rumors it can be refunded upon departure.

6% health insurance.  Total cost of 12% of income is subsidized by company.  Those who oppose universal health care on grounds of expense, please take note that this also includes vision and dental.  Not to mention only-once-per-quarter co-pay and no prescription costs.

1.7% unemployment benefit.  Again, wasted as loss of job will also mean loss of my residence permit.  But once I am issued a permanent visa and lose my job, those euros start working for ME.

1.1% disability insurance.  More worthwhile than paying church taxes.

1% solidarity tax.  To help Eastern Germany catch up.  I find this reasonable.

I’m sure this oversimplified view of my share of German taxes will be blown to pieces when the time comes to actually do my taxes, but for right now it doesn’t seem so bad at all.   Mmmm…I loves me some Kool-Aid.

audrey likes…

Even with the gratuitous shots of Paris and Audrey Tautou cuteness factor, I wasn’t a huge fan of Amelie.  But one of my favorite bits is the beginning, where they talk about what characters like and don’t like.  This only encouraged my fondness for list making, and even now I sometimes think about my day in terms of:

Audrey likes…

1.  Reading about stuff white people like.  Because the only thing more fun than talking about white people is when they talk about themselves!  Which is true for all races – I don’t discriminate.

2.  Baggy-clothed, slouching, beer-drinking teenage boys who snap to attention and jump up to offer their seats on the train when a grandma totters in.

3.  Having her sister import boundless tax-free, USD-priced goodies.

Audrey doesn’t like…

1.  Seeing a man on the train with a shopping bag of 5 extra large packs of gum, a bottle of white wine, and two carrots and being driven crazy the rest of the day wondering what his story is.

2.  Re-entering the work world and being exposed to sick and germy people all day.

3.  The German’s enthusiastic and vocal support for Barack Obama, despite knowing nothing about his platform.  Until further notice, the phrase ‘Yes, We Can’ is banned from our household, unless preceded by the statement ‘Bob the Builder’.

the greatest love of all

It’s easy to forget the requisite Valentine’s day post in a country that pretty much ignores its existence.  Every supermarket and drugstore I’ve visited lately has three aisles of easter candy in various pastel shades and not a single box of heart-shaped chocolate to be found.  I was greatly disappointed to not have a bounty of candy and baked goods in the office, and by the lack of 75%-off-red-and-pink-candy today, but I sense great things to come next month.

The German and I celebrated with mounds of easter chocolate and a night of 24.  Because I firmly believe there is no greater love than that for your country and family.   And also that there is no better way to express that love than by torturing and killing anyone who threatens either of them.  Huh, so George Bush and I do have things in common after all.  I bet he loves the chocolate bunnies too.

horrible-no-good-very-bad-morning

I have fallen on my ass three times already today and it is barely 9AM.  Yes, we are achieving new lows daily over here.  Apparently, this so-called “snow” is sometimes followed by a melting period which leads to the streets being coated in “ice”.  Which leads to newcomers like me eating it three times between the subway station and my office.  Which is normally a five minute trip, except that my mishaps led to a pace of approximately 2km/h and a waddle similar to that of two-year-olds in diapers.  Tomorrow I think I will take the bus.  I would invest in some ice skates, except that would likely lead to more incidents.

Luckily, I am wearing more layers and padding than your average chinese baby dressed by their grandmother.  So no permanent damage.

open door policy

Nothing like bathroom conundrums to start off the week.  In my Culture Shock: Germany book, one of the many points I thought insignificant was the fact that Germans always keep the bathroom door closed.  Which you would think is not a big deal, but I’ve discovered it creates perpetual uncertainty when approaching a shared door: Will it open?  Is someone going to yell at you in German?  Is there a chance someone forgot to lock and you will never again be able to look at your colleague/friend/boyfriend’s family member?

Obviously, this is not a concern within our two-person household (we have far greater violations of the no-talking-while-someone-is-using-the-facilities rule), but as we have single-occupant facilities at work, I think about this EVERY time I go.  This, combined with bottomless espresso machines and refrigerators filled with cold beverages at every turn, is very trying on the nerves.

So hence I propose a break in societal norms.  Doors ajar for a calmer and more productive society!

this week’s comeback kid

I am no Mike Huckabee fan.  In fact, I think he is more of a freak than Ron Paul, because at least Libertarianism is something I can understand and get behind (in theory), whereas Evangelical Christianity is something I cannot understand or support.  That being said, I do find his success thus far incredibly impressive and even inspiring.  Watching the Republican debate last week, I was truly disappointed, not in the poor quality of the candidates themselves, but in the obvious bias of the moderators.  While Paul is truly a long shot, if you invite someone to the table, you should give them a chance to speak.  Directing only one specific question to him over the course of 90 minutes is completely unacceptable.  And Huckabee, who was and still is, a strong contender, was given only slightly more attention.

No matter how much I disagree with his views, I admire him taking the high road and being straight at the same time in pointing out that he wasn’t out of the race yet.  And I admire him even more for his wins yesterday and sincerely wish him well in the Republican race.  It’s nice to root for the underdog, the one who never dies.  Although, it’s not quite so nice when the underdog is a god-fearing-madman who opposes abortion even in cases where a mentally retarded teenage girl has been raped by her stepfather.

stupid, stupid, stupid!

I love public transportation.  It’s a hybrid of my fondness for the environment and disdain for driving.  It’s fast (comparatively, during rush hour), economic, you can sleep/read/play Tetris.  Sometimes it’s subsidized by work or paid for with pre-tax earnings.  It makes the world your OYSTER!

Unfortunately, public transportation also means interaction with the lowest common denominator.  Meaning, you can be stuck on a train sitting next to two people having the most ridiculous conversation ever, demonstrating a synapse firing rate slightly below that of your average abalone, and the world can be cruel enough that even though you are in Munich, they will be speaking English, so there is no escape for your weary brain.

Choice excerpts

Woman: God, I can’t wait to eat again.  This diet is killing me!  It makes me so hungry.  All I’ve eaten for the past three months is lettuce and avocado.   But I’ve lost six kilos!  (You do know a single avocado is already more than your daily fat allowance, right?  And also, they aren’t even in season right now).

Man: But you don’t need to lose weight!

Woman:  I know I don’t, my body is in good shape.  I just like to.

Man:  You are one crazy freak.  I should go on a diet too!

…

Woman: I want my boyfriend to lose weight so he can wear one of those…what are they called?  Like a suit, but different?  There’s a white shirt…and buttons.  And you know, they have the tie like this, up here?  Hmm….it’s like a suit.  But fancy…

Me:  It’s a TUXEDO, moron!  STUPID! STUPID! STUPID! *hits self on head repeatedly*

No, that part didn’t happen, because actually, I thought maybe my February resolution should be to stop thinking about how other people are stupid.  It’s hard though, when they just follow you around.  But I realize people who are not elitist snobs might find this offensive.  This point was brought to light last week when my boss asked me what language people speak in the Netherlands and I said, “Dutch, STUPID.”  Well, actually I just said Dutch, but later when she retold the story on five separate accounts, she was sure to point out “and Audrey looked at me like I was stupid!”

So, note to self for the month of February.  Try not to call other people stupid.  Alternatively, purchase noise-cancelling headphones.

PS – Just to make things clear, the people on the train were British.  My country takes no responsibility for sending them out into the world.