new policy

Someone passed on this follow-up article regarding the John Edwards affair. I’m a little beyond caring about discerning the exact dates of this relationship, but I had to chuckle at the involvement of a lawyer by the name of Ms. Marple. I do hope she’s in the library with the paternity test. Or in the kitchen with FEC reports.

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/08/15/us/politics/15edwards.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1

In other news, the German saw me watching some DNCC coverage today and said, “that thing is today? I thought it was Monday?” He was completely flabbergasted to learn that it takes our people four whole days to nominate a presidential candidate. He was on a roll blasting the drawn-out primary (or what we like to call, democracy) and talking about what a good president he would make. Until a map of Illinois came on the screen and he said “Chicago is in Illinois?” Oh well, at least he’s no worse off than the current leader of the free world. He tried to rally by proposing Arnie as president. Because putting Austrians in positions of power has worked out so well in the past.

taming the unwashed

Visited Andechs monastery this weekend – while the mountain and nearby Amersee are lovely, the monastery itself was more like Bavarian Disneyland.  I didn’t see a single monk.  And if you want to see an endless supply of Maß and hax’n, you can get that without driving an hour out of Munich.  So although I would not recommend the monastery, it was a very nice day, the lake was beautiful, and I had an ice cream cone.  Can’t be too greedy.

You know how you can tell you’re getting old and boring?  When your boyfriend go outside at night to yell at loud teenagers, and not only are you in perfect agreement, you have already fallen asleep on the sofa and need to be woken up to share your agreement and indignation.

Speaking of yelling at obnoxious neighbors and hoodlums, that is one great disadvantage of not being fluent in a language.  Oh, the things I would like to say to the neighbor with two yapping dogs that chase everyone coming in and out of the building.  Or the people who smoke in U-Bahn stations.  Oh, I have enough vocabulary to politely point out their irritating existence, but lack the fluency to fully express my disgust and annoyance.  With yelling.  Strangely, the German refuses to teach me these key phrases…probably in fear that I will use them on all the neighbors.

popping a squat

Although Metzingen turned out to be hugely disappointing (for those of use who didn’t buy three suits and assorted accoutrement), the three day weekend was still completely relaxing and fun.  Relaxing is so much better when you can watch an endless parade of athletes sweating it out on the track.  Or in some cases, not.  World records aside, my favorite Olympic moment was probably when some Kenyan sprinter said it was too hot in Beijing.  Too hot? Are you one of those Kenyans that actually went to Washington University and has lived in the US since you were 4??

Although I had plans to raise an Olympic gold medalist by training my future child in an obscure sport (similar to medal plans of many countries, btw), after watching the 3km steeple chase, I’ve come up with an even better idea – create my own obscure sport and get it entered in the Olympics.  Americans have been quite successful with this in the past, so I have high hopes.

The only hurdle left is creating my own ultimate sport.  While competitive eating would be a natural choice, I have am significantly weaker in events measured by time rather than volume.  The obvious solution to this would be a contest where amount eaten is measured proportionally to body weight.  I may have to fight off a few Japanese senior citizens, but I should still medal.  My other suggestion is a sitting triathlon: squatting, lotus, and V-Sit.  So appropriate for an increasingly lazy population.  I am exceptionally skilled at squatting.  Although I fear this is a common skill, as it was only in the past year that I even learned there were people who couldn’t squat.  But after watching the German fall on his butt three times in a row, I know it to be true.  Are there more of you out there?

Lastly in Olympic news, while it is always moving to see your home country honored, I felt a special glow of pride hearing that Armenia led the medals-per-capita standings for the entire first week of competition.  Although now topped by Slovenia, with Jamaican track stars hot on their heels, I still applaud their accomplishment.  Menk Hay Enk!

language exercises

There are often people from other offices visiting and come meal time, I always find myself translating various types of pork and potatoes.  The other day, someone pointed out how at least with German food, you always know exactly what you’re getting.  Not just beef, but the shoulder cut of a “baby cow”.  And lest you think there’s just risotto on the side, let me assure you that it is clearly labeled spinach risotto with basil with pepper.

I would say this is actually true of most Western food.  As opposed to China and other Eastern nations, where the names of food are generally things like “spring flower soup” or “ants climbing a tree”.  This has led to a flurry of preparation for the Olympics, as restaurants learn that translating menus is not a word-for-word exercise.  Which any group of ABCs who have tried visiting restaurants without their parents could tell you.

Speaking of the Olympics, I feel that the Germans (or maybe Europe in general?) is far less excited about it than NBC America.  While the German chalks that up to doping scandal and focus on soccer championships, I prefer to sit in the corner and mumble “ten medals?  hah!  that’s less than the US swimming team alone.”  Although now that gymnastics is ending this week, I’m sure my enthusiasm for watching EuroSports at 6am will as well.  Thank goodness we have a three-day weekend so I can fully enjoy the remaining festivities.  Plus, tomorrow I will be celebrating the ascension of the Virgin Mary with a trip to the Metzingen outlets.  That’s right, while you suckers in Baden-Württemberg (and the rest of Germany) are hard at work, the Bavarians will be storming your shores and scooping up discounted Hugo Boss suits and Puma jackets.  Enjoy your Protestantism¹.

¹The German was reading one of my books recently and learned what a WASP is.  He came to me to say, “I’m a WASP!  I’m a WASP!”  Who says you need kids to be entertained?

america…that’s hot

Thanks to the magic of the internet, I assume you’ve all seen Paris Hilton’s first presidential campaign commercial.  But in the event that you missed it and are skeptical that there could be a Paris Hilton video that is both witty AND nudity-free, please hop over to Funny or Die for a glimpse of the most intellectual words uttered by Paris since her discussion of Thomas Pynchon’s work on season 2 of The O.C.  And people say she’s stupid…didn’t you notice that she’s opposed to both change and the status quo?  Existentialism, baby!

And let us not forget she has previous political experience: getting out the youth vote with P. Diddy in 2004.  Sure, she didn’t make it to the ballot box herself, but hypocrisy is nothing new in the political arena so we’ll let it slide.

Nothing like a summer of temperamental weather and thunderstorms to make you look forward to the fall.  Especially when fall holds the long-awaited trip to California (yes, spreadsheets and agendas will be sent out shortly), a visit from A. Frankel (byline: I got me some hoochie tops waiting to go international), and a sequel to Audrey and Karen’s Excellent Parisian Christmas.

NEWS FLASH: For you expats making euros and loading up on goods during your trips back home, take note.  Starting January 2009, the limit for tax-free goods will be raised from 175 Euro to 350 Euro.  Get those empty suitcases ready!

this is a phone

Things I have noticed about working in Germany: Germans are impatient!

What I learned about using the phone: when your phone rings, if you are not at your desk, it goes to voicemail.  The person in question leaves a message to be phoned back or hangs up and sends you an email.  This is the beauty of technology, no?

Imagine my surprise when I find that the new norm is to answer phones all over the place, even when it is certain that you will be able to do nothing more than say “oh, so and so will call you back.”  Thus, taking time out of their day to perform the same function as our lovely-straight-out-of-24-phones.  Why, people?  Why do you do this?  Am I overly sensitive, or is it a little weird to come back from a two-minute water break and find someone on my phone saying “oh, I don’t know…but I’ll tell her you called”?  It’s one thing if you’re performing the exact same job function, but as we do not, I really don’t understand the purpose of this.

I was complaining about it to the German only to discover that at his company, they don’t even have voicemail.  If someone doesn’t pick up after three rings, the phones of everyone else in the department start ringing as well so one of them can answer it.  wtf???  Answering machines, people!  The crazy part is, they truly find it unacceptable to have a phone call unanswered.

There is also an unusually high preponderance of people who leave phone messages and then email IMMEDIATELY afterwards to say, “I just left you a message about it, but I thought I would email too….”  I never thought I would say this, but the inefficiency here is killing me.

Speaking of 24, the German purchased season six and we started viewing last night.  It’s actually on Pro7 every Monday, but why wait a week when you can watch four episodes a day?  Especially when you’ve seen Jack return from a Chinese prison, escape from captivity with no weapons or backup, and kill a man using only his teeth, all in one hour?