checking up

I had a doctor’s appointment last week and while admiring the red and brown tones in the modern and trendy office, couldn’t help wondering why German doctor’s offices are so much nicer than those in the US.  50% of my low opinion on US doctor’s office decor can be chalked up to The HMO Who Must Not Be Named, but the private ones are nothing to write home about either.  Here, every doctor’s office I’ve been to is clean, in a prime real estate area, stylishly decorated, and filled with drinks and current magazines.  Even my public insurance doctor has pitchers of coffee, sparkling water, and the latest travel publications.

It’s times like this, when I have just finished this month’s issues of Vogue and In Style in both English and German, that I wonder about all those studies showing that the US spends far more on health care than any other country.  I know it’s going to line the pockets of the evil insurance empires, but really?  Has the situation gotten so bad that the US spends twice as much per capita on health care than Germany with only 3-year-old issues of Highlights to show for this?  And I could overlook the Highlights, if not for the fact that the cost doesn’t even include all Americans and the quality of health care is far lower and the mortality rate far higher.  It’s like we took all our tax money and bought one of those tacky LV logo purses that aren’t even leather.

But I digress.

In other news, all the Europeans are off on their holidays.  A few of my coworkers are off to the US, which always ushers in a round of questions like “Do you know a good hotel in San Diego?”  and “What should we do in Florida?”  Next employee lunch and learn – studying maps of the US and California, with an emphasis on scale.

why not to get advice from tards

There are several HR blogs written by intelligent and witty professionals that I enjoy reading on a regular basis.  And then there are the nut jobs on Brazen Careerist, most recently pleading for attention with “4 Reasons Traveling is a Waste of Time“.

Now, I enjoy traveling.  I even quit my job to do it, although I know many people who would quit their jobs to spend 40 hours a week gardening or eating paper, so not sure how much of an endorsement that is.  But I can understand that some people don’t like it.  Granted, most of those people are either referring specifically to business travel or don’t like interacting with society at all.  But I can get behind that.  However, I cannot get behind this post in anyway.

First, anything that starts with “I’ve hated traveling ever since I was a child and my parents dragged me all over Europe and the Caribbean” bad enough.  But the 4 reasons themselves are even worse:

1.  There are more effective ways to try new things.  Yes, going to your local park is the same as an African safari (real example, promise).

2. Cultural differences are superficial.  Economic differences matter.  So, the second part of this, I completely agree with.  And sure, there are areas where the German and I see eye-to-eye more than I might with an American from a different socio-economic background.  But let me ask this – would you pay for your child to go to college if you could?  For me, and I would wager any extremely rich or extremely poor person in the US, the answer is definitely yes.  But when the German and I speak of our hypothetical future children, he refuses to consider this.  Because there are hundreds of free and excellent universities in Europe, not because he doesn’t value higher education.  This is what we call a cultural difference.

3.  People who love their lives don’t leave.  So if you love your life, job, and partner, you should never want to leave.  HAHAHA…wait, this is not a joke?

4.  #3 was so ridiculous I didn’t stick around for #4.  But I would assume it’s equally foolish.

Please, I beg any manager reading this to stop.  Or read further for a “what not to do” guide.  Because if you try to get me to work overtime by complimenting my hair or give me a birthday party and organize an afterwork basketball team instead of giving me a raise and promotion, I will likely punch you in the face.

all my hard work

Dear Mr. Kostnic:

I understand that you and your people enjoy carrying your guns to presidential events and supermarkets in the name of embracing your second amendment rights.  I also enjoy several of our constitutional amendments, particularly 1, 19, and 21 and practice them in my daily life.  However, as much as it pains me to restrict your civil liberties, I must beg you to stop.

You see, Mr. Kostnic, I am an American living in Germany with a German boyfriend.  Do you have any idea what your actions mean for my future?  Just when the German was starting to forget about how his eyes almost fell out of his head in disbelief during last years viewing of ‘Sicko’ and George W. Bush is fading into retirement, you have to remind him of the pitfalls of moving to America.  Let me tell you, the Germans already find it batshit crazy that Americans haven’t actively pursued universal health care.  They are as surprised at our contentment under our current conditions as they would have been if they had thrown open the gates at Auschwitz only to find the Jews saying, no we like it here! Great exercise program!¹

It’s hard carrying the “America is Not Crazy” banner.  It’s heavy, it has to be flown all the time, you have to explain why some people think 30% taxes is already too much. I am just one person here and tomorrow is a bank holiday².  Please, let me have a rest.

If lack of action was already cause for disbelief, your activities have really gotten people atwitter (No, not that kind. Oh, you’ve never heard of Twitter? Never mind).  Listen, the German used to have a favorable view of New Hampshire: smooth highways, nice pizza at the Portsmouth Gas Light Co., no sales tax. Now he might start to question those carefully selected tours of the US I have taken him on – are all restaurants as good as those in San Francisco?  Are all Americans as skinny and hot as those in Los Angeles? Do all cities really have metros like those I visited? I know I’ve seen one or two odd things but she said those were exceptions…. Don’t you see, Mr. Kostnic?  I spent years building this facade in hopes of returning to the motherland and you are ruining everything!   For my sake, I ask you to reconsider. Just long enough for me to make my escape. I need a Little Star pizza, a day at South Coast Plaza, and a summer without rain and puffy jacket weather before I die.

Alternatively, I hear you are thinking about relocating yourself.  Could I suggest we compromise and you move to Utah instead of Arizona?  He already knows people are crazy there and this way we can still take that Grand Canyon trip.  Keep me updated.

Hugs and kisses,

Me

¹I know your people appreciate WWII references, so I wanted to explain this in a way you could understand.

²PS. Did you know shops close on bank holidays even when they fall on a Saturday?  I know, I know, this is what comes of Socialism!  This is why I have to come home!

demotivation

My company recently moved to a new office and some things are still being installed.  Some of these are pretty exciting, like the new cappuccino machine that also has a chocolate bin so you can have mochas and hot chocolate.  Some are less so, such as the 24/7 construction workers outside the window.

And some involve the installation of a giant sign mounted on the lobby about working together.  Which prompted my colleague to say it reminded her of the “Arbeit macht frei” signs in concentration camps.  It’s so much funnier when German people make Nazi jokes.  Apparently it’s like how only Asian people can make Asian jokes because the German does not find it funny at all when I say things like “Let’s go to Poland!  Oh wait, you’ve been there already.”

English menus, 101

I just came back from a week in the Baltic states.  I knew they were very high-tech and modern and English was widely spoken, considering it is the home of Skype and Kazaa.  But I had a few food encounters that I feel obliged to share in the event that any of you are traveling there.

First, when you are at a cafe and think a cheeseburger and fries would be quite a good way to kick off your vacation, and you vaguely skim the description and don’t actually read it because everyone knows what a cheeseburger is and you think you saw the word “fried” but that can’t be right and go ahead and order – STOP!  You need to read that to make sure they are not interpreting a cheeseburger to be a burger with a slab of battered, fried cheese.  And no meat.  All things considered, it wasn’t terrible, but it was no cheeseburger.

Second, if you are walking around in Helsinki and think you should have an ice cream cone and while scanning the offerings, see a flavor called “Terva” translated as “traditional Finnish tar”, do not think to yourself, “well, it can’t possibly be tar, that must be a mistake, it looks a lot like caramel.  I like caramel.  Let’s get that.”  Because the Finns DO speak good English, my friends.  And when they say tar, they mean tar.  Wood tar, but still tar.  Tar which, weirdly, tastes like smoked salmon.  I know the world of haute cuisine meets populism is all about the bacon ice cream, but much like buttered popcorn Jelly Bellys, this is an epic sweet/salty FAIL.

So the moral of the story is, never assume that funny-looking English in a foreign country is a typo.  And stick with chocolate ice cream.