mmmm….chocolate

As you may know, Chinese people don’t really eat sweets. Fruit for dessert is a way of life, and any snacking usually takes the form of dried meat or seed products. So growing up, the only exposure to chocolate I had was the annual Halloween binge. That and the ubiquitous boxes of See’s and Ferrero Rocher, to be passed around from household to household on Chinese New Year until wrapping wore thin and had to be replaced. I would estimate that between the 200,000 Chinese people living in San Francisco, there are probably only three boxes of chocolates existing at any given time. Everyone knows those boxes of chocolate are not for eating.

Going to college and then working, my access to sugar grew, but was still largely restricted to baked goods and the Walgreen’s candy aisle. Occasional treats requiring a special trip and strategic planning.

And then I moved to Germany. The first time the German and I went grocery shopping together and I watched him toss bars of chocolate in the cart, I thought he must have a serious craving. Or a secret child locked away in the cellar. Then I realized that after dinner, while sitting around and watching movies or reading, he would just eat chocolate. Plain. Just chocolate! This simultaneously disgusted, fascinated, and alarmed me. Especially when I shared this news with my coworkers, only to find they all sat around and ate chocolate for dessert. It had never, ever occurred to me to sit and eat pure chocolate.

But let me tell you, I learned quickly. And chocolate bars made in Europe are a far more enjoyable snack than Snickers and Almond Joys, which I used to consider the highlights of my childhood Halloweens, to be hoarded and the very bottom of my candy jar, which was organized from the bottom up based on preference with the favorites only to be consumed some time in March. What, all the kids didn’t do that? So for the past few years, I’m sitting there, enjoying an after dinner Ritter Sport Dunkle Voll-nuss, and it is not disgusting or weird at all. It’s delicious. At the risk of sounding like one of those French-women-don’t-get-fat-neither-do-Japanese! nuts, it’s probably also better for you than platters of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies. Mmmm….cookies. Anyways. And all was well and good until we moved to Beijing. As much as confectionery giants would like to stake their claim in the world’s largest market, it hasn’t really happened yet. I’ve managed the switch to fruit-as-dessert pretty well, but the German has taken to lying on the couch and weeping, claiming the lack of chocolate is causing headaches, dizziness, and swine flu. I expect any day, he will ask his contract to be re-written to guarantee access not only to "European-style housing" but "European-style chocolate, including an allowance of 1kilo of Nutella per month."

cashing in

When I first moved to Germany, every time I needed something (socks, running shorts, books), I would go out shopping, be horrified that said item cost about twice what it costs in America, and move on to the next shop. Rinse and repeat for the rest of my Saturdays until I finally learned to start thinking in euros, not dollars. As much as I used every US trip to stock up on clothing, books, and food, some things you just have to have. Of course, the German had the opposite problem, where once he experienced the magic of American shopping malls, outlets, and sales, he was paralyzed with regret and nostalgia upon entering any German shoe store.

Now that I’m living in China, I’m faced with the opposite problem and feel like I have wads of Monopoly money to throw around. Except it’s hard to judge worth when there are huge gaps in pricing. When lunch cost 8 kuai, but then I attend a dinner where the bill is 10% of my monthly salary, it just stops seeming like real cash. Yesterday, after a sudden blizzard covered the city in piles of snow and slushy mud, I stood in my ballet flats trying to decide if I should cab it to work or trek to the subway. If you were in New York and presented these $60 vs. $2 options, 15 minutes of walking in the snow would be a worthwhile trade off. But if you’re still converting things to a 5EUR difference, it becomes a harder choice. In the end, I think you just have to forget currency conversion and think about what you have. In which case, the clear answer for this scenario is to work from home.

The first snowfall last Sunday also prompted the beginning of daily tirades on the failure of the German’s company to procure our visas. Restricted travel and inability to open a bank account are minor issues, but lack of winter clothes because the moving company refuses to ship our things without a copy of the visa? Not so fun in -10 temperatures. Especially when you have been advised that visa processing will take “2 weeks, or to the end of October” and packed accordingly.

checking up

As part of the visa application process in China, you’re required to go for a "health inspection" which is far less effective a form of weeding people out than say, the visa application process itself. What does this even tell you? That we don’t have swine flu on that given day? I may not support banning people with AIDS and syphilis, but at least I understand where it’s coming from. But what’s up with the colorblind test? The inspection takes place not at a "hospital" but at a "government health center". Which is basically a DMV with needles. Seriously, there’s even a photo station. And just like the DMV, your three hour visit can be broken down as follows:

30 minutes – filling out paperwork you already have
2 hours – waiting in line to pay
30 minutes – "health inspection"

Actually, not only was it like the DMV, it was pretty much identical to all the health care I have received in America, so I felt right at home. The biggest plus about this health center is that it was not in the seedy run-down strip mall across the street which I originally thought was our destination. Luckily, the driver corrected me before I had the chance to pass out in sheer terror.

The other best thing about the health inspection? Meeting people from Taiwan and Hong Kong who have to pass this and apply for visas. Actually, the best part was asking an employee why people from Taiwan and Hong Kong have to get visas:

Me: I thought it’s all one country.
Him: Of course. But they still need a health exam and a working visa to come here. Obviously.
The German: Stop asking questions. They’re going to put you on the anti-communism watch list and you won’t get a visa.

Also, sometimes when I write things about Communism in an email or post, I worry that my computer will spontaneously combust via internet spy bomb. So far, that hasn’t happened. Except on 24.

better dead than red

For anyone still under the impression that Communism and Socialism are the same thing, let me assure you they are not. First, one is about economy and the other is about politics. More importantly to me, in a socialized country, you will get massive amounts of vacation. In a communist country…it’s a lot closer to US democracy. In fact, it’s basically identical. I am currently the disgruntled owner of 15 days of vacation a year. Lest you forget, I already thought it unfair that I had only 26 in Germany while others had 30. Am starting to suspect this whole China move is a ploy on the part of the German to squash any future plans to move back to the US.

Because really, how do people do it? As I best recall, working under those circumstances was so unbearable to me I ended up quitting my job to travel and then moving to Germany. I used to laugh when the German said he refused to move to America unless he found a job with at least 20-25 days of vacation a year. But I think the man has a point now. It’s really inhumane. As it is, the 18 days of bank holidays make my current situation just about tolerable.

I know y’all are saying the money you save in taxes makes up for this. But personally, I took all that money, changed it to US dollars, and spent my vacations in the US buying jeans and gasoline like they were candy. So I’m not convinced. Especially since most of my friends in the US were in a tax bracket alarmingly close to mine.

Another difference on life in a communist state? I have seen the phrase ‘Everything Better Red’ twice this week.

ride that train

Beijing has an amazing subway system. Not only does it have nine current lines (including the newly opened Line 4) and an average daily usage of 3.5 million a day, it is growing rapidly. So rapidly that a China guidebook from 2008 has only 3 lines, one from 2009 only has 5, and the map our hotel provided last week only has 8. So rapidly that there are an additional 9 lines being constructed as we speak and the total system will be the largest in the world and twice the current size upon my scheduled departure in 2012.

Did I also mention that the subway cars are the shiniest, newest, cleanest things I have seen and the walls of both stations and trains are plastered with flat screen TVs that alternate between news, Olympic highlights, stock tickers, and music videos brought to us by CPC and the gang? Oh, and a ride anywhere in the system costs 2 RMB – .20 cents? Well, .20 cents in euros. My fellow Americans may feel a stronger sting after a day of hopping on and off aimlessly.

A friend told us over dinner the other day that the subway used to cost 3RMB, but in order to encourage drivers to use public transportation and ease congestion on the streets, officials decided to lower the fare to 2RMB. Because Beijing residents who were buying private cars and taking cabs everywhere were doing it for lack of 1RMB to spare for the subway? Not that I’m complaining.

To highlight the unlikeliness of the ability of a 1RMB reduction in fare to encourage drivers to use public transportation, another recent policy to reduce traffic was to restrict cars from driving 1 day per week based on license plate numbers. The result? An increase in car sales to 2000 per day as Beijing residents purchase a second car to use so as not to inconvenience their lives. 2,000 cars per day being sold just in Beijing? Is someone at GM reading my blog and planning to lobbying NYC and SF to adopt a similar traffic policy? Please contact me for the bank details where my share in profits can be sent.

finding my way

The German and I have made it safely to China. Not only have we navigated through the subway, IKEA, and Carrefour, I am also making my way through the Great Firewall of China. As you hopefully can see. Also working on maintaining access to outside blogs, thanks to the wonders of RSS feeds. I hear they’re going to start cracking down on this though.

When I told one of my coworkers I was going to Beijing, he said, "That’s not really China! That will be like going to Los Angeles for you." What is amazing is not only his familiarity with US and Chinese cities, but the perceptiveness of his statement. So far, Beijing has been much like LA. Flashy shopping malls, big box everything, and carefully landscaped parks and highways. And lots of valet parking. Because who needs traditional Chinese living when you have Sephora and American Apparel at your doorstep? Why buy traditional mooncakes when Coldstone’s Creamery and Starbucks can supply a new and modernized version?

Earlier I asked the German if it was strange to be the only white person around and if he was experiencing major culture shock, only for him to reply, "No. I don’t really notice I’m the only white person around…until I’m lost and looking for you." Or when we walk down the street and children start pointing at him and yelling "lao wai! (foreigner!)" – wait, only I noticed that. Or when he saw a tank of turtles while grocery shopping and asked if those were pets. Um, sure. The pork and beef were pets also. And the shrimp in our shopping cart. That was exactly my plan for them.

The culture shock hasn’t affected me much, largely because I only venture out of our apartment for a few hours at a time. Those IKEA trips really take it out of you. Even more so in China than in Germany, where those orderly folks would never dream of venturing away from the designated yellow path. But I plan to stop by the office on Friday, and I imagine once I begin a regular working schedule, life will be very different. Mostly because they will have an espresso machine.

prep work

The German and I were lulled into a sense of false complacency by the promise of a moving company doing all the work for us. As recently as yesterday afternoon, we sat around, drinking our coffees, spending time making panna cotta and strawberry sauce as all we needed to do on Sunday was pack the suitcases we would carry on the plane and toss stuff we don’t need.

Well. Now it’s Sunday. And I have realized that a moving company does not erase the need to donate clothes you haven’t worn in the two years you’ve lived in Germany. Nor do they separate out what items are essential, and what can wait to be shipped over in a month. Nor will they make two round trips up to the 4th floor storage room to get all the suitcases required for packing. Nor will they do five loads of laundry. Nor will they sort through books and DVDs to see what you must take with you, and then further divide into what can stand up to a through Chinese customs inspection of shipped goods (The OC, Twilight) and what should be buried deep within your suitcases in the non-descript 32-CD case like those I haven’t seen in ten years (don’t worry, Jack, I will keep you safe).

So, today has been a 12 hour event of preparing for other people to come in tomorrow and pack our stuff. Yes, aside from the suitcases that will be flying to China with us, there is very little that’s actually packed. I don’t know why they left 100 m of bubble wrap for us. We used it to make matching Michelin man suits. I assume that was the intended purpose.

why not to get advice from tards

There are several HR blogs written by intelligent and witty professionals that I enjoy reading on a regular basis.  And then there are the nut jobs on Brazen Careerist, most recently pleading for attention with “4 Reasons Traveling is a Waste of Time“.

Now, I enjoy traveling.  I even quit my job to do it, although I know many people who would quit their jobs to spend 40 hours a week gardening or eating paper, so not sure how much of an endorsement that is.  But I can understand that some people don’t like it.  Granted, most of those people are either referring specifically to business travel or don’t like interacting with society at all.  But I can get behind that.  However, I cannot get behind this post in anyway.

First, anything that starts with “I’ve hated traveling ever since I was a child and my parents dragged me all over Europe and the Caribbean” bad enough.  But the 4 reasons themselves are even worse:

1.  There are more effective ways to try new things.  Yes, going to your local park is the same as an African safari (real example, promise).

2. Cultural differences are superficial.  Economic differences matter.  So, the second part of this, I completely agree with.  And sure, there are areas where the German and I see eye-to-eye more than I might with an American from a different socio-economic background.  But let me ask this – would you pay for your child to go to college if you could?  For me, and I would wager any extremely rich or extremely poor person in the US, the answer is definitely yes.  But when the German and I speak of our hypothetical future children, he refuses to consider this.  Because there are hundreds of free and excellent universities in Europe, not because he doesn’t value higher education.  This is what we call a cultural difference.

3.  People who love their lives don’t leave.  So if you love your life, job, and partner, you should never want to leave.  HAHAHA…wait, this is not a joke?

4.  #3 was so ridiculous I didn’t stick around for #4.  But I would assume it’s equally foolish.

Please, I beg any manager reading this to stop.  Or read further for a “what not to do” guide.  Because if you try to get me to work overtime by complimenting my hair or give me a birthday party and organize an afterwork basketball team instead of giving me a raise and promotion, I will likely punch you in the face.

all my hard work

Dear Mr. Kostnic:

I understand that you and your people enjoy carrying your guns to presidential events and supermarkets in the name of embracing your second amendment rights.  I also enjoy several of our constitutional amendments, particularly 1, 19, and 21 and practice them in my daily life.  However, as much as it pains me to restrict your civil liberties, I must beg you to stop.

You see, Mr. Kostnic, I am an American living in Germany with a German boyfriend.  Do you have any idea what your actions mean for my future?  Just when the German was starting to forget about how his eyes almost fell out of his head in disbelief during last years viewing of ‘Sicko’ and George W. Bush is fading into retirement, you have to remind him of the pitfalls of moving to America.  Let me tell you, the Germans already find it batshit crazy that Americans haven’t actively pursued universal health care.  They are as surprised at our contentment under our current conditions as they would have been if they had thrown open the gates at Auschwitz only to find the Jews saying, no we like it here! Great exercise program!¹

It’s hard carrying the “America is Not Crazy” banner.  It’s heavy, it has to be flown all the time, you have to explain why some people think 30% taxes is already too much. I am just one person here and tomorrow is a bank holiday².  Please, let me have a rest.

If lack of action was already cause for disbelief, your activities have really gotten people atwitter (No, not that kind. Oh, you’ve never heard of Twitter? Never mind).  Listen, the German used to have a favorable view of New Hampshire: smooth highways, nice pizza at the Portsmouth Gas Light Co., no sales tax. Now he might start to question those carefully selected tours of the US I have taken him on – are all restaurants as good as those in San Francisco?  Are all Americans as skinny and hot as those in Los Angeles? Do all cities really have metros like those I visited? I know I’ve seen one or two odd things but she said those were exceptions…. Don’t you see, Mr. Kostnic?  I spent years building this facade in hopes of returning to the motherland and you are ruining everything!   For my sake, I ask you to reconsider. Just long enough for me to make my escape. I need a Little Star pizza, a day at South Coast Plaza, and a summer without rain and puffy jacket weather before I die.

Alternatively, I hear you are thinking about relocating yourself.  Could I suggest we compromise and you move to Utah instead of Arizona?  He already knows people are crazy there and this way we can still take that Grand Canyon trip.  Keep me updated.

Hugs and kisses,

Me

¹I know your people appreciate WWII references, so I wanted to explain this in a way you could understand.

²PS. Did you know shops close on bank holidays even when they fall on a Saturday?  I know, I know, this is what comes of Socialism!  This is why I have to come home!

back in the u.s.a.

A week after returning from the US, I still find myself too tired to do much more than the truly necessary (one load of laundry consisting entirely of jeans and unmentionables, buying just enough food for 3 days, unpacking only the new clothes I want to wear).  But today, hit by a mixture of industriousness and disgust at my own sloth, I am digging deeper.  Well, I was until I managed to actually unpack all my bags.  But looking at the piles of stuff to put away sent me running for the haven of the living room, where one can read cookbooks and watch Der Untergang in peace.  Cakes, muffins, and Hitler?  What more could on want on a sunny Sunday afternoon?

Three weeks of driving around the East Coast aimlessly stopping at any factory outlet and Target in sight has not made me miss work or Germany in the slightest.  However, I do have to admit that for the first time, the German’s insistence that the US is about 30 years behind the rest of the world is starting to strike a chord.  Listening to his shock and disgust when entering the MTA and knowing it is possibly the best public transport system in the country or looking at the monster trucks that everyone outside of Manhattan and Boston are driving.  Discussions of recycling programs and auto regulations that have been in place for decades in Europe.  I had a conversation with this woman who was saying Europeans are still quite jealous of Americans for having the courage to leave the motherland and making such a successful life over here.  I couldn’t decide whether to laugh out loud or to run from this obviously crazy character.

best popular

Reading up on World Nutella Day, I was surprised to hear that it is ranks #3 on Facebooks “most popular” list.  But not nearly as surprising as numbers 6-9, 11, 13, and 15.

1.  Barack Obama.  Obviously

2.  Coca-cola

3.  Nutella

4.  Pizza

5.  Homer J. Simpson.  Homer’s middle initial is J?  Seriously?  Does this stand for something?

6.  Mr. Bean.  Do people really like this guy??

7.  Cristiano Ronaldo.  How does this random soccer player have so many friends on a website started by WASPy Harvard kids?

8.  Chocolaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaate.  How do people know the cool group is the one with 17 “a”s and not 15?

9.  Kinder surprise.  The European chocolate products are really cleaning up here.

10. Facebook

11.  Windows Live Messenger.  Who uses this product?  Where’s Twitter?

12.  Michael Phelps.

13.  Sid.  I had to click on the link to realize this is the weird creature from Ice Age.  He has a name?  And 1.97 million friends?

14.  YouTube

15.  Boo.  Ah, the days when you had to be enrolled in select universities to access Facebook…not so much select preschools.

Frankly, this list surprises me almost as much as the fact that Facebook itself has not gone the way of Friendster.  The lesson to take away here is that it really pays to target WASPs instead of Asians.

two more years

Last Friday I successfully renewed my visa for another two years.  After three failed trips, the German convinced me it was time to get serious.  Despite him having Friday off, we got up at 6am, put on suits, tie (him), heels (me), and went down to “show them who’s boss” (his words, not mine).  I don’t know if the clowns at the Torture-Amt were swayed by the clothes or the sudden introduction of fluent angry German into the equation, but we came out a mere 20 minutes later, clutching my passport in my grubby little hands.  Has anyone ever been “helped” there by someone not rude or incompetent?  They certainly seem friendly enough when they’re chatting with each other and going out for coffee and cigarettes instead of working.

In case anyone else out there is thinking of moving to Germany, here’s an overview of the process:

1. Find a job.  You think this is the hard part, what with not speaking German and not having a master’s degree in engineering, but it’s not.

2. Have your company fill out the twenty required pages of paperwork.

3. Bring to the Torture-Amt, only to discover that they need one more piece of paper/don’t approve of your picture/are only open from 10-12am.

4. Grumble about taxes and beamten.  Repeat until Friday (the only day they open at 7).

5. Drop off paperwork, try not to respond to the question “why are you here when your permit still lasts for 3 more months” with “because you’re an incompetent moron” and be repeatedly assured that they will contact you in two weeks.

6. Call repeatedly for a month with no response, only to go in person and find out said paperwork has been “misplaced”.  Think about how if you were in China you could just bribe someone and be done.

7. Repeat steps 2 and 4.  You thought you could cleverly skip step 2 by making photocopies of everything before handing it over, but no dice on photocopied signatures.

8. Be informed by rude/incompetent employee that in fact you only needed one single sheet of paper which you had on day one to renew your permit, even though the same individual sent you away last week with more paperwork.  Try not to punch them in the face as they are actually issuing your permit.

defense wins championships, offense wins wars…

This just in….

AP – After determining the Big-12 championship game participants the BCS computers were put to work on other major contests and today the BCS declared Germany to be the winner of World War II.

“Germany put together an incredible number of victories beginning with the annexation of Austria and the Sudetenland and continuing on into conference play with defeats of Poland, France, Norway, Sweden, Denmark, Belgium and the Netherlands. Their only losses came against the US and Russia; however considering their entire body of work–including an incredibly tough Strength of Schedule–our computers deemed them worthy of the #1 ranking.”

Questioned about the #4 ranking of the United States the BCS commissioner stated “The US only had two major victories–Japan and Germany. The computer models, unlike humans, aren’t influenced by head-to-head contests–they consider each contest to be only a single, equally-weighted event.”

German Chancellor Adolph Hiter said “Yes, we lost to the US; but we defeated #2 ranked France in only 6 weeks.” Herr Hitler has been criticized for seeking dramatic victories to earn ’style points’ to enhance Germany’s rankings. Hitler protested “Our contest with Poland was in doubt until the final day and the conditions in Norway were incredibly challenging and demanded the application of additional forces.”

The French ranking has also come under scrutiny. The BCS commented “France had a single loss against Germany and following a preseason #1 ranking they only fell to #2.”

Japan was ranked #3 with victories including Manchuria, Borneo and the Philippines.

United States head coach Harry S Truman was criticized by many as having poor taste for scheduling a “politicking” interview during halftime of the German bombing raids over Great Britain.

In that interview, Truman stated, “Any way you look at it, there is going to be a really good military force that gets left out. But when you come right down to it, our head-to-head victory over the Germans has to be the deciding factor.”

A US fan also made the point that “Germany is getting all the style points right now because of their sexy offense, which continues to obliterate weaker opponents and show off their might after the battle is already won. But what about defense?”

In addition to being hilarious, this also reminds me of my latest book, The Omnivore’s Dilemma.  Pollan talks about Fritz Haber as the person with the single greatest effect on our lives today.  Which I found interesting, as I had never heard of Fritz Haber.  In fact, although he was a German chemist and Nobel Prize winner, no one amongst my brief survey of German engineers had any knowledge of him.

His great contribution to mankind was the creation of a process to extract nitrogen, and later synthesize it, leading to the creation of cheap fertilizer and making our current population size what it is.  Pollan estimates the world would only be 60% of it’s current size if Haber had not made his discovery.  That’s like the world population minus China and India.  However, his other great accomplishment was the development of chemical warfare, notably the gases used in concentration camps, and after the war he died in poverty and obscurity.

For you Cal fans, maybe the BCS will one day look into the sad stories of Fritz Haber and Nate Longshore and give them proper credit for their accomplishments.

ready for action

This week I bought my first pair of tights.  I see women walking around here in the snow, wearing miniskirts, with no protective shield, save some scraps of nylon.  So I figured, armed with these magic tights, boots, and a thick jacket, I could surely manage the brief walks between my apartment, the subway, and my office.

I could not.  What are these women thinking?  Maybe they have built up their tolerance over time.

But with the first snow comes the opening of Christmas markets, gluhwein, and steak semmels!  I”ve been lobbying for a day trip to Nürnberg, to visit the mother lode of all Christmas markets, but this has been repeatedly shot down by the German, who claims it will be wall-to-wall tourists as far as the eye can see.  Unless we go on a Tuesday at 9am, but since not all of us have so much vacation time they will stop working on December 10, that is not a viable option.  I’ve been drawing up a list of alternate contenders, including Bamberg, Regensburg, and Landshut.   Any recommendations?

almost snowy days

This schizophrenic shifting between warm sunny days and foggy, near-freezing chill bring an element of surprise to my mornings.  The waking up, not knowing what you will find, it’s like an advent calendar for November.  Except, that there is no candy and it is not fun at all.

But speaking of the advent calendar, I have been seeing them for weeks now, along with other Christmas-related items.  In fact, when our office manager purchased candy for our Halloween festivities, about half of them were wrapped in Christmas paper already.  The other half all had a giant calorie label, which is something Mars & Mars has apparently started doing in an effort to make candy less fun.  Interesting business model.

What with the weather, I’m trying to hop on the tights bandwagon, as I have been scolded by everyone from Oma to some 4-year-old German girl with her mom, who said “that lady isn’t wearing tights!”  She must have been eye-level with the 2cm strip of skin between my skirt and boots, and let me tell you, she was shocked.  But where does one go to buy tights here?  I have no patience for the Saturday shopping hoards, so I need some concrete leads before I start mingling with the masses.  The time for browsing is over.

spring forward, fall back

I start looking forward to the end of Daylight Savings Time every year around August.  A whole extra hour!  The magic of time travel!  All this coming to a Sunday near you.  But this Sunday, it just wasn’t as magical as in years passed.  I woke up, looked at the clock and thought, great, it’s really only 6.30am.  Except, that clock changes automatically.  And by the time I had breakfast, read the paper looked at the photos in the travel and style sections, did two loads of laundry, finally put away my US loot, did some work, read a book, and watched some weird sci-fi movie about people trying to put a bomb in the sun, the day was over already.  Ok, I guess that extra hour still helped.

I might have gotten more out of my extra hour if not for die Lange Nacht der Museen, which was Saturday night from 7pm-2am.  It’s a great event, with dozens of museums involved.    We visited the new BMW museum, which was new and shiny, but ultimately nothing to write home about.  We also saw the Munich city museum, which was a little random, but fun.  A lot of old photos and maps of the city, and every known rendering of the Münchner Kind.  Various sections included theater, sports, and photo gallery.  By far, the best part was a 10 minute film showed in a round room modeled to be like the Allianz Arena.  It really only included recent history (basically, from the invention of film onward), but had great highlights of the Olympics, FC Bayern accomplishments, political events, and more.

Although, if we were in America, they would have realized this movie should be reproduced and boxed for gift shop sale to the masses.

no good very bad day

Warning: disgusting anecdotes ahead

Records shattered today
30 hours – longest period ever without eating.  This record would also have been shattered around the 10 hour mark.
2 – vomiting episodes.  My first since the age of 8.
2 – Cokes consumed in ONE DAY.  My first in at least five years.

What can I say?  As I lay on my deathbed with horrific stomach cramps and nausea, I am reduced to the most desperate of measures.  And the German is traveling, so no one is around to bring me buckets.

This coke stuff has more sugar than most chocolate.  If my stomach recovers, I probably still won’t be able to eat as I won’t have any teeth left.  But my boss, the mother of two children, swears by a regime of Coke and the BRAT diet (Bananas, rice, applesauce, toast).  My German colleagues, of course, swear by a strict pretzels only diet.  Maybe I’ll put that on the list for tomorrow.

Another warning message to expats in the Munich area – I think there’s a virus going around.  Not only was the German stricken with the same problem last week (silly me, I thought lack of fever and coughing/sneezing meant I would be immune) a few coworkers have succumbed as well.  Although no one has it as badly as my incredibly helpful colleague, who not only got me to the bathroom before my first vomiting episode, but went home to find her boyfriend vomiting as well.  With days like that, you might as well go into medical work.

popping a squat

Although Metzingen turned out to be hugely disappointing (for those of use who didn’t buy three suits and assorted accoutrement), the three day weekend was still completely relaxing and fun.  Relaxing is so much better when you can watch an endless parade of athletes sweating it out on the track.  Or in some cases, not.  World records aside, my favorite Olympic moment was probably when some Kenyan sprinter said it was too hot in Beijing.  Too hot? Are you one of those Kenyans that actually went to Washington University and has lived in the US since you were 4??

Although I had plans to raise an Olympic gold medalist by training my future child in an obscure sport (similar to medal plans of many countries, btw), after watching the 3km steeple chase, I’ve come up with an even better idea – create my own obscure sport and get it entered in the Olympics.  Americans have been quite successful with this in the past, so I have high hopes.

The only hurdle left is creating my own ultimate sport.  While competitive eating would be a natural choice, I have am significantly weaker in events measured by time rather than volume.  The obvious solution to this would be a contest where amount eaten is measured proportionally to body weight.  I may have to fight off a few Japanese senior citizens, but I should still medal.  My other suggestion is a sitting triathlon: squatting, lotus, and V-Sit.  So appropriate for an increasingly lazy population.  I am exceptionally skilled at squatting.  Although I fear this is a common skill, as it was only in the past year that I even learned there were people who couldn’t squat.  But after watching the German fall on his butt three times in a row, I know it to be true.  Are there more of you out there?

Lastly in Olympic news, while it is always moving to see your home country honored, I felt a special glow of pride hearing that Armenia led the medals-per-capita standings for the entire first week of competition.  Although now topped by Slovenia, with Jamaican track stars hot on their heels, I still applaud their accomplishment.  Menk Hay Enk!

eww!

One of the great joys of MTV is that while their “shows” may be tacky, mindless, and less substantial than bubble bath, it is the only source of English language TV aside from CNN.  And a lazy Sunday accompanied with mountains of brownies, espressos, and homemade ice cream just cries out for insipid frivolousness.  So one can only imagine my dismay upon discovering that The Hills, which I have been unable to catch since my days of unemployed sloth, is now DUBBED!  Apparently, it has gotten popular enough so that English-with-German-subtitles just doesn’t cut it.  LC, how could you do this to me?

I hereby begin my petition to end the farce of shallow blond teenagers in LA speaking perfect German.  Not only is it against my self-interest, it’s also bad educational policy.  Did the German education minister not read my post about the amazing fluency of Slovenians?  Do you think they accomplished mastery of English, German, and Italian by dubbing their TV shows?  No, my friends, they did not.  Think of the children.

Grassroots political action aside, the weekend was fairly uneventful.  But next up: Dresden adventures, Metzingen outlet bonanzas, and the return of the company picnic!  Do they do sno-cones in Germany?

wedding marches

Whenever I attend a wedding, I am inspired by things I would like to incorporate in any future nuptials of my own. That is, assuming I marry someone other than the current top contender, who continues to push the eloping-in-vegas-and-buying-a-house-with-the-windfall strategy. Nice try, buster. In the competition to get married, men should take note that comments such as these generally net a point deduction equal to that of falling off the balance beam with one’s bra strap showing.

Anyways, one long standing belief of mine that remains unchanged, fueled by a combination of laziness and one too many viewings of Father of the Bride, is that if I ever walk down that aisle, I am doing so in white Chucks.

Actually, seeing as how German weddings seem to be vying with Indian weddings for duration records, I might start implementing this policy as a guest.